Yesterday I experienced a meltdown.  I was adding the hardware to the backs of the frames and it was taking longer than I wanted it to, which led me to the inevitable existential crisis – what am I even doing and why??????

I took a mini-break to collect myself then continued until I finished that task.  I went for a hike, came home and had lunch then continued to tweak the paintings.

Adding the collage materials makes me feel a bit like a fashion stylist.  The items should enhance each individual painting while creating a cohesiveness that is essential for the overall arch of the series.

I began to have clarity and after hours of work… suffice to say that the new gold enamel paint had been delivered and I decided, at midnight that I had to apply it.  The gold to me represents the Japanese art of kintsugi.  So, it felt like a culmination of the emotional journey of this day.

I didn’t love it but I kept at it because it had worked nicely on the Lotus paintings.  But it WASN’T WORKING!!!!

This morning I spent several hours removing it. A painstaking process but one that was entirely necessary.  Metaphorically, it felt like I was erasing the negativity and the desire to fix something that is broken with something better, as kintsugi is known to do.  It is supposed to be a form of respect.

But these new paintings weren’t broken.  And they do not have any sort of negative emotion or melancholy infused in them.  They are my trees – the ones I visit every day while on my hike.  And if you believe in animism, they are strong, loving creatures that support one another in a storm, that provide shelter from the rain, that reach for the sun at all costs.

I wiped away the residue, like wiping away the tears I had shed earlier, and decided that what I am doing is important, because it is fun – and that is all that matters.

I am still waiting for a back order of frames and there is still  more work to be done on this artwork because it is all about the layers – the depth of character and all that hidden stuff that creates my visual language.

Stay tuned for the big reveal….